“They have to be in ballpoint pen on plain paper,” our guide from Lutheran Ministry in the Fenway explained. “The prisons won’t accept construction paper, markers, or glitter.” Our student group agreed to write birthday cards to LBGTQ prisoners through the organization Black and Pink. Birthday cards seem light and fun - until you’re reminded how constrained a prisoner’s life can be. We grew quiet as we contemplated a life where people would throw away your mail if it came on the wrong color paper.
 

We did what we could, adding line drawings of flowers and balloons. In each card we wrote a simple message: We care about you. You are not forgotten.
 

I thought the project was over that night. But a few weeks later, I found a letter in my office mailbox from an inmate. In careful prose, he explained that he didn’t get letters very often, and didn’t know how to find new friends. Would someone write to him? A woman, please. I have some reasons to not trust men.
 

It’s said often that good social action involves building relationships, something more than reading about a problem or sending donations to someone I’ve never met. That’s why I liked the card project, with the personal touch of the names and birthdays from the list.
 

It was, however, a very safe move. I was OK with one-way communication with a prisoner chosen at random from a list. It was far less comfortable to sit down and answer the letter I got. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to know this person. The inmate was careful in what he chose to share, clearly not wanting to scare a potential pen pal away. But he said just enough that I knew my letter was going to a place unlike anything I could imagine.
 

I also wasn’t sure how much I wanted to be known. I kept my office address on the letter and didn’t talk about where I live. I didn’t use names for my kids.

Two letters later, we still don’t have much of a relationship. I don’t know how much we’ll ever really know each other, different as we are. But you can't really listen to someone's story, or tell yours, without it changing you. And I do know that mass incarceration has already stopped being an abstract issue and become something that’s happening right now to my friend.